One of Dem' Days.

I'm Pretty sure I don't suffer From post partum depression, but, I get my moments. This week has been my longest week of feeling down. All  I seem to think about is my Cesarean. I wanted to birth leland Vaginally so bad. I feel like I was robbed. I notice The way leland is with his father and the way he is with me. He is so different. If he's fussy with me, he's not with his father. I can do some things and he might not like it, but if his father does the same exact thing he is loving it. Now, I know I shouldn't be over reacting, but, I'm a firm believer that first contact is VERY IMPORTANT.! My husband was the first to hold leland and introduce himself. Although, I gave him a kiss and told him I'm Momma, I was so drugged up and loopy that I barely remember that. When I was then rolled out the room, my first question to the doctor was "can i breast-feed my son?" Thinking Ok, here's my chance to have skin to skin with him. Well, I couldn't do that either, due to him having low sugars and formula needed to be given immediately. I didn't get to actually hold my son to probably the next morning where all the drugs where worn off.  Those moments I had pictured never came true. And now i Feel like leland rather be with his poppa than me more.
If we ever decided to grow our family, I wont be able to deliver vaginally, EVER! It really bothers me, because to me that is one of the most important things in becoming a mother. My belief. Some people like to plan ahead and schedule C-Sections ect. to each its own, but, for me I wanted to feel that relief of a child coming out. I was able to feel the contractions and Ect for a while, but never that relief. and I wanted that!!
What's also making me a little flustered is the fact that My days are always planned around baby. I can't seem to have a minute to myself. I recently just joined a gym and have yet to go. I'm so eager to get my body back in shape and at least looking ready for the beach this summer. But, it seems to me that day will never come. I go walking with Boo and We do morning jumping jacks but, I want to go to regular classes. Basically, what i need is a couple hours to myself. No husband, no Leland, no job, no stress. After leland was born I was re admitted for post hypetension. And since I've been so stressed I can feel my pressure rising.
If I would of made a wise decision with going with an OB instead of a midwife maybe this chain of bad things would of never happened. Everyone tells me this fluster-ness is all normal, I'm a first time mom, It will take time. I can understand that, but for me it won't. I will never be able to deliver a child vaginally again. That bothers me. I feel different from other mommies who have delivered normally. I can't find a connection.

P.s- One thing I am Grateful for, Is breast-feeding. Leland loves his momma's che-che's! :)
I will blog about that next time. Breast-feeding Leland. That always seem's to put a smile on my face.

XOXO,

Sasha

Morning Love <3

Watching Football. Such a Daddy's Boy

Fell asleep on Daddy